Poem

I wrote this poem some time ago and recently shared it along with my testimony to a group of college students. It was a great night and have since been encouraged to share it with others.

Questions

By: Kathryn Hallinan

So many questions in my head-

Where was He when it happened?

Outside, looking in?

Around the corner, waiting

Until I really needed Him?

Did I know Him then?

Was He real to me?

Did He exist, as they say,

Outside time and eternity?

What if I never knew Him?

What if He never knew me?

Did I pray the prayer right?

Or did I invite this evil into my life?

But “whatifs” and “did I”s will get me nowhere,

Stuck in a world that’s convinced He doesn’t care.

Worse still, a world that’s convinced He doesn’t exist.

All these questions,

Spinning through my head,

Astounding and confusing me.

All at once, they turn to a statement

That stops me dead

In my tracks:

“You’ll never be enough”

Wait, why is this about me?

“You’ll never be enough”

I hear it echo in my ears:

“You’ll never be smart enough,

            Pretty enough,

            Confident enough,

            Talented enough,

            Athletic enough,

            Musical enough,

            Dramatic enough,

            Defensive enough…

Good enough.

That’s really what you mean, isn’t it?

All these adjectives you send

Spinning through my mind,

Whirling between my ears,

When all you really mean

And all I really hear

Is, “good enough”.

“You’ll never be good enough.”

Well, that’s true.

I’ll never be good enough to warrant the God of the universe

Coming to earth as a baby boy

To live and die on a Roman cross,

Just to take away my sins.

I’ll never be good enough

To deserve him sending

His Spirit to live and dwell in me.

And I’ll never be good enough

To deserve unfettered communion with the Father.

That’s what grace is for.

But then again, this isn’t about me,

And all these questions

However thought intriguing and thought provoking they may be,

Only prevent me from asking the right one:

Who?

Who is He?

The One who is good enough,

The Spotless Lamb,

Slain for the sins of the World,

Who alone is worthy.

He who is perfect as the Father is perfect,

And Holy as he is Holy.

Jesus.

It doesn’t matter where He was,

Only Who He is.

Jesus.

The God of the universe made flesh,

Sent to die not only for my sins,

But for his, too.

He who sought to steal, kill and destroy

My very chance of knowing Him.

(Well, not exactly him, but the pathetic excuse for a man he used to do it)

The same man who claimed to not believe in Him with one breath,

And then be close as brothers in the next.

But here’s how I know how good Jesus is:

He calls me to pray for him.

This same man who was used to keep me from knowing Him-

He loves him just as much as He loves me.

And that will never change.

And I praise God for that.

If it weren’t true,

Where would I be?

In a gutter somewhere,

Cold and alone,

Or somewhere else,

Surrounded by people,

Proud as can be.

Either way, it’d be far from Him,

Trying to make it on my own,

Believing the lie that I’m free.

The question again,

The right one, this time:

Who is He?

Who is He who redeems the lost and unlovely?

Who is He who heals the broken?

Who is He who humbles the proud, and sets His desires in their newly-restored hearts?

He of whom it is spoken:

“His name shall be called,

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.”

Prayer Closet - Go Into Your Room and Shut the Door

"But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly."  -Matthew 6:6

Prayer is important. Prayer has always been important to me, but this past year God has taught me just how important it is. It is especially important to be able to pray and to focus on God when in a stressful situation, such as graduate school. God has been teaching me how to pray, in the past year or so specifically, not just for myself and my relationship with Him, but more importantly for others. "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."Just about anyone and everyone that comes into my path on a daily basis, He has impressed upon me how important it is to pray for them. As I go through my day, I am constantly collecting information about people, places and events and making notes as to what they need prayer for. The apostle Paul, to the Colossians writes: 

"For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;  that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;  strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins."  

I find this verse extremely powerful and convicting. He says, "we do not cease to pray for you". Why is it that we are so quick to pray for God to give get us a good parking spot, or to let us do well on a test that we haven't studied for? I remember a few years ago when I first started going to church, a pastor asked why we always say the "help me, save me" prayers. After hearing that, I resolved to limit those prayers. I would cry out to God for myself and for the sake of our relationship, yes, but more than that I would pray for others. As I continue to pray for others, I find this verse giving me a guide for what to pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ:

* That they would be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding

* That they may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him

* That they would be fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God

* That they would be strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power

* That they would live their lives with Jesus with patience and longsuffering with joy

This is my second and final year in grad school, and God being as awesome and loving as He is, gave me an incredible roommate in a beautiful off campus apartment. When we moved into the apartment we saw that we had a decent sized storage closet, and we both had mentioned wanting to create some sort of a designated space for prayer in the apartment. We knew that this closet would become our prayer closet, and it finally has! We used a couple of tension rods, a scarf valance, a mattress and a few pillows, and it is my new favorite place in the apartment.

Now I realize that verse 5 in Matthew 6 says, not to pray like the hypocrites who pray so "that they may be seen by men", and please hear me, that is not my intention in posting this. I want only to encourage others to pray. 

I believe that many believers know the value of prayer and know how crucial it is to our relationship with the Lord, but I also know that many have a hard time praying regardless. There is always something or someone to distract us, and sometimes we really don't even have a place where we can pray. Susannah Wesley (mother of John Wesley) had 19 children, but knew the importance of prayer. When she couldn't find a place to pray, she would put her apron over her head and her children would know not to bother her because she was praying. I don't know about you, but I aspire to have such dedication to my Lord that I'll put an apron over my head just to be able to spend time with Him. Praise be to Him though, that I don't have to do that. He's given me a beautiful, quiet space to just abide in Him, and a wonderful, thoughtful roommate who is equally in love with Him, to share it with. I am truly blessed. 


Here are a few more pictures of the prayer closet and what is inside it, to give you an idea if you feel inclined to make a space of your own designated for prayer. 

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." -Matthew 7:7-8

Blogging...

In the past, I've been forced to blog in so many different classes, that I never wanted to do it on my own. Over the past few months I've seen so many friends start blogging, and have learned so much from how they express their ideas through blogging that I decided to try it myself. I used to hate the idea of journaling, but in the past 2 or 3 years I've gone through more journals that I could count. Something tells me that this will be a similar experience. Hopefully this will help me to communicate my thoughts and ideas in a more effective way. Whatever happens, I'm sure it will be a worthwhile experience.